Tami's Journey

Thank you to Jan Johndrow (JJ) for providing these photos.  

Links to Artifacts and Videos of the Event Here are a few links  things I wanted to make available for anybody that would like to have or view. The Handout from the Event   - This is a PDF version of the pamphlet that has a short bio of Tami , location information, and order of events.  Slide Show  - This is the slide show with pictures of Tami throughout the years and music in the background. Bryant did a great job putting this together, using some of Tami's desired playlist. It is a large file 780 MB, so will take a little while to download.  Memorial Square with Introductions - This is the Memorial Square at the end of the event, with introductions of each of the people that danced and a bit about their importance to Taami and I.  The dancers are Pat and Monica Carnathan, Jim Maczko and Mo Ninteman, Robert Swee and Cindy McClaren, and Michael and Kimberlee Streby.  All of whom mean so much to both Tami and I. I am incredibly honored by their w...

Note from Andy When she knew that the end was approaching, Tami started planning things she wanted to happen at her celebration of life. For example, she had a list of songs or artists she wanted to be played. Thank you to Tami's brother, Bryant, for taking that and running with that. She also had a menu, which, unfortunately, due to the heat and inability to keep the food safe for the length of the ceremony, did no happen.  Perhaps the most important desire was that she wantd her final words shared. She died before "editing" this, but there is true beauty in what she conveys. So, instead of "cleaning it up," I provided it as is to Sally Bennett-Schmidt, who read it with amazing accuracy and poise.  I could hear Tami's voice very clearly in the delivery....  Thank you, Sally!  My Words (by Tami Allemao)  For the last 7 years, everyone has heard that I am so very very happy to watch my sister, Teri, be a grandmother!!! Both brothers, Woody and Bryant, are ea...

Sorry it has taken so long to get back to posting some of the key elements that I said I would post from the celebration of life. I took some much needed time away from writing about what I was feeling, and just let grief happen. Interestingly, I have found that the shock of the loss was a bit of an anesthetic, and as that wears off, the quiet moments in the house are harder than they were right after it happened. However, I am staying busy, and more grateful for the many wonderful people around me than I ever have been. I am truly blessed. This was the written version of the Eulogy I was intending to deliver at Tami's Celebration of Life. As you might expect, I ad-libbed quite a bit, as I have never been good at staying on script. However, this is what I meant to share. Please note, it was written more to be a script guide, rather than a blog post, so it doesn't quite have the clarity of most of the other posts within this blog. However, I was asked to share it, so here it is....

First of all, thank you for the incredible outpouring of love and support. It's been a rather emotional few weeks, but thanks to all of you, I feel very loved and supported. You ROCK!  I have had a number of people ask if there is a way to view the Celebration of Life if they are unable to attend.  The answer is, yes. Leo and Rochelle Catt have agreed to Livestream the event via FaceBook Live.  For those of you unfamiliar with how to do that, according to Copilot, here is the  easiest way. (Note, you will need to log into FaceBook.) Fastest way (mobile or desktop): Go directly to the Livecaster's profile Open Facebook Search for their name (Either Leo Catt or Rochelle Pratt-Catt) Go to their profile If they’re live right now , their profile picture will have a red “LIVE” ring around it Tap or click the profile picture → it opens the live stream instantly. This is currently the only reliable method in the mobile app because Facebook removed the old Live Video menu....

  Tami's Connection to the Recital Hall Tami and I were blessed to share almost every Monday night together in the Recital Hall in Balboa Park with our little hexagon group, the Lighthouse Squares.  Tami would be the first face everybody saw. She would sit at the treasurer's table and chat with whoever came in. Tami also danced with the California Heritage Dancers, who practice in this hall. So, she felt a real connection to the hall. Though Tami and I didn't discuss this as part of our planning discussions, I am certain she is smiling at the choice of the location. Some Practical Information Location - Recital Hall, Balboa Park Date and Time: Sunday, August 23 at 12 Noon Where is The Recital Hall  - The address of the Recital Hall is  2130 Pan American W Rd, San Diego, CA 92101.   For those that use landmarks, the Recital Hall is close to the Auto Museum, and fairly close to the Air & Space Museum.  For more information about the Recital Hall, cli...

This will be a very short post. An epilogue will follow with more details, insights, and gratitude after I have had some tme to process.   This post is simply to notify. Tonight, at 9:33 PM, after a heroic fight, a day with her siblings by her bedside and me crawling into her cramped hospital bed to hold her one final time, Tami shuffled off her mortal coil and went to meet our heavenly father.   As much as I am exhausted and devastated, I am grateful that she was resting peacefully when she passed. Her pain and suffering are over.  Thank you all so much for caring enough to follow this Journey. The love and support has meant more than I can possibly express in words.  More to come...    

 The Decision to Transition to Hospice Care I apologize for the length and weight of this post. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever written.  I fear that this pales in comparison to the next post I expect to write.  Some decisions are choices and others are simply reactions. As my last post indicated, we spent a few days in the hospital the 11th thru the 13th due to bleeding related to her largest tumor. Well, Tami had a standard pre-chemo blood draw on Thursday the 16th. That morning, along with the continued bleeding, Tami noticed abdominal swelling (to put it mildly), redness, and tenderness. At the urging of her Oncologist, we went back to ER after her blood draw.   By the time we were seen, Tami was in sepsis, and severely dehydrated. So, they started an IV with fluids and antibiotics. They also did a CT Scan. The CT Scan showed that the primary tumor ruptured, and that the cancer spread so much that there are too many blockages to be operable. ...

Andy - I think we have a problem Nothing good starts with the words, Andy... I think we have a problem . But after Tami's Saturday afternoon nap, that was the wake up call. The problem in this case was unexpected bleeding. So, we contacted the Kaiser clinical advice line, who, after looking at Tami's medical record, advised us to go to ER. So, off to ER we went. They wanted to keep Tami overnight for observation. After 5 hours of being there, there was no further bleeding.  So, Tami opted to go home, with the agreement that, if it happened again, we would come back. So, we signed the discharge "Against Medical Advice" (AMA) forms and went home.   Sunday morning confirmation   It didn't take long to realize the bleeding was not a one time occurence.  The next morning the evidence was back. So, again, off to ER we went. This time, Tami allowed the admission for observation to occur.  They performed a procedure to try to determine the cause of the bleedi...

"You Look More Relaxed" As most of you know, I call square dances for a few wonderful weekly clubs. One of the dancers (okay square dance royalty) in my Sunday Night club, Jim Maczko, made the comment that I seemed more relaxed lately. I guess my attempts at hiding the stress were not working very well.  I apologize, as I try hard not to burden dancers with my reactions to what is going on with Tami. The calling has been my therapy throughout this journey, and the dancers have been agents of comfrort for me. They deserve better than to bare the burden of my concern.  But... back to Jim's comment.  He is right. I am more realxed. As I stated in an earlier blog post, the most recent trip to ER was preceded by me finding her on the couch somewhat unresponsive. What I did not express in the previous post was just how traumatic it was to look into Tami's vacant eyes and have to shake her awake. That was followed by in inpatient stay where the first several days of her sta...

First Things First — The General Update on Tami First of all, a quick apology for not writing for a while. I have been spending time actually carng for Tami, rather than writing about her. The bottom line is that Tami is home, settling in, and getting physically and mentally stronger each day. After spending far too long immobile in a hospital bed, it has taken time for her to regain the ability to stand and walk. Now, with some stability assistance (me, a walker, walls, counters, tables, sinks, etc.), she can do both with a growing sense of confidence. As of today, she was even able—though with considerable effort—to stand up from a seated position on her own. She’s doing well enough that her oncologist has put her back on the schedule for a drastically reduced round of chemotherapy. He agreed that the first level of chemo was far too damaging and has given a lot of thought to adjusting the components to balance clinical benefit with quality of life. On July 10 , we’ll begin chemo ag...

Quick Recap I brought Tami into the ER at 5 a.m. on May 29. She hadn’t been able to keep anything down for weeks, and by then she was weak, dehydrated, confused, and barely functioning. In the nearly two weeks she’s been here, her care team has rehydrated her, figured out why she couldn’t eat, given her nutrients through an IV, and knocked out the infection that was dragging her down. They even got her out of bed for a few steps. Now, at long last, it’s finally time to go home. Setting up for Success at Home For about a week before our trip to the ER, Tami kept saying she really wanted a hospital bed. She was struggling to sit herself up, and getting into a position where she could safely stand was even harder. While she was in the hospital, I went ahead and bought one and had it delivered. It’s a step down from the incredible model she’s been using at Kaiser, but it’s the same manufacturer (Hill-Rom) with most of the same functions and controls, so it should feel familiar and easy fo...

It’s a Small World Most readers of this blog know that I’m a square dance caller. Recently, a brother and sister pair of high‑school‑aged dancers, encouraged by their grandfather, Don, joined my Sunday night class. Their mother, Catherine, has occasionally come to watch. I’ve had the chance to chat with her, and she mentioned that she works as an ICU nurse at Kaiser Zion. Tami's new, temporary, home. One night, Don took Catherine and her daughter out to dinner to celebrate the daughter’s high‑school graduation. During the conversation, he shared what was going on with Tami and pointed her to this blog. The very next day, Catherine was assigned as a “float” nurse—meaning she could be placed anywhere—and by pure luck, she ended up on Tami’s unit. Even more astonishing, she was assigned to Tami. When she introduced herself, she asked Tami if she was married and her husband's name. When Tami said Andy, Catherine asked whether her husband was a caller. Tami rolled her eyes, and sai...

Clinical Update A quick recap: as we shared in the last post, the reason Tami couldn’t keep anything down was an intestinal obstruction. In lay terms, the bloating, pressure, and distention created enough force to pinch off the small intestine, preventing food from moving through. With no real path forward, anything she swallowed simply came back up. To relieve that pressure, the care team inserted a nasogastric (NG) tube—a thin plastic tube placed through the nose and down into the stomach. Its job is to continuously remove the excess contents that are keeping everything backed up. Until the obstruction clears, the doctor’s orders are that nothing is to be swallowed. Tami gets Nutirients Since she hasn’t effectively eaten in weeks—and still can’t safely eat—she’s now receiving IV nutrition. The formal name is Total Parenteral Nutrition (TPN), a sterile, customized mixture of proteins, fats, sugars, vitamins, and minerals delivered directly into the bloodstream when the digestive syste...

Thursday Night - Normal Goodnight Tami has been sleeping downstairs because she no longer has the strength to climb the stairs. Like so many nights lately, I tried to give her an evening snack, but after a few bites she handed it back—along with some bonus stomach contents—into the bucket we keep nearby for exactly that reason. I rinsed the dishes, loaded the dishwasher, and told her I’d see her in the morning. She said she wanted to try sleeping on the couch instead of the bed she’s been using. When I left her, she was sitting up watching the news, surrounded by her little command center—a TV tray with her water, her walker, the remote, and everything else she might need within reach. I asked if she needed help getting to the bathroom. She said she didn’t. So I headed upstairs to bed.  Friday Morning - Anything But Normal When I got up to use the bathroom at 4:30 a.m., I went downstairs to check on Tami. To my surprise—and honestly, my alarm—she was sitting in exactly the same po...

Admitting Defeat (At Least for This Round)  There’s no gentle way to put this. Tami hasn’t been able to keep anything down for many days, leaving her severely dehydrated, lethargic, and so weakened by weeks of inactivity that her muscles have essentially atrophied. She looks gaunt and fragile, and standing—let alone walking—takes everything she has. Today we went to see the oncologist. It took every ounce of strength Tami could muster (plus a little help from her caregiver) just to get out of bed, make it across the hall to the bathroom, and wipe herself down with the sterile sterile cleaning cloths she is using when she is not up to taking a shower. Vitals and Weigh‑In   As with every Kaiser visit, the appointment began with vitals: blood pressure, temperature, and weight. Tami’s pulse was 125—alarmingly high, even for her. Her diastolic pressure was very low at 44. And then came the weight: 101 pounds. We all knew she’d lost weight, but none of us expected it to be this dras...

Chemo Brain Creates Tami's Unstable Alter Ego - Wobbles Not unlike extreme alcohol poisoning, the hyper‑toxic chemical bombardment that chemotherapy sends through the bloodstream creates significant chemical imbalances that can seriously disrupt the brain. This is what’s commonly—and somewhat affectionately—referred to as “chemo brain.” The websites I reviewed to get an understanding of this, suggest that a majority of the chemo patients experience some degree of this. For Tami, the evening of Day 2 seems to be the worst. Because of that, I don’t allow her to be unsupervised for several days after each treatment. After her first round of chemo, she was extremely confused, but her motor skills were mostly intact. Once we removed the take‑home chemo pump and she got a couple of days of solid rest, she was, cognitively speaking, okay. Wobbles Takes a Nose Dive   This time, the side effects were far more severe. The confusion was much deeper, and she had almost no motor control....

May 14 — Oncologist Appointment I’m fairly certain this is standard protocol, but our oncologist meets with us the day before each chemo session to review anything we want to discuss and check in to see how the most recent round of chemo went. So, we met with him yesterday. He confirmed that all the side effects Tami experienced after the first round of chemo were within the expected range. Since her confusion resolved within a couple of days, he wasn’t concerned. The extreme fatigue is simply the body trying to repair itself after being hit with a barrage of foreign chemicals. Nausea and vomiting, unfortunately, are also part of the territory. In his view, everything looked like “business as usual,” so he confirmed the order for round two. I asked whether he had any suggestions for appetite stimulants, since Tami has barely been eating. He prescribed Zylexa, an antidepressant that also helps with nausea and can increase appetite. So, we added another medication to the daily regimen. M...

Quick Description of a Chemo Port According to Tami’s oncologist, she will need some form of chemotherapy for the rest of her life. To make that long road easier, he ordered a chemo port . The link goes to a Cleveland Clinic article with more detail, so I won’t repeat all of it here—just the basics. A port is a catheter with an access point placed just beneath the skin rather than outside the body. Because it sits under the skin, it requires a minor surgical procedure to install. PICC Versus Port For her first chemo session, Tami had a PICC line ( peripherally inserted central catheter ). A PICC works well and is a great option for someone with a limited number of treatments. But it also demands more from the patient—or the patient’s designated caretaker. To prevent infection or clotting, a PICC requires daily flushing. It also can’t get wet, so showering becomes a waterproofing project. And once a week, a trained professional has to change the dressing. For us, that means another trip...

Tami has been sleeping a lot since chemo. She is exhausted with a capital “E.” Unless she has a medical appointment or needs to go into the office to run a client's payroll, her routine is pretty much: wake up, eat (which is a relative term right now), and go back to bed. Rinse and repeat multiple times throughout the day. As a first‑time caregiver, I wasn’t sure whether this level of fatigue was expected or if I should be doing something differently. So, I did a quick Google search for exhaustion after chemo . Google Result Summary The AI summary of the result stated: Fatigue after chemotherapy is a common, often intense exhaustion that does not improve with rest. It typically peaks a day or two after treatment but can persist for months or even years. Manage it by prioritizing rest, using light exercise like walking, staying hydrated, eating well, and conserving energy. Take home message: Rest is Medicine After reviewing a bunch of reputable online resources returned by the sear...